I like things to make logical sense. I am a programmer by trade and so the steps from A to B should flow logically from one to the next in my mind.
But emotions don’t make logical sense and sometimes it is overwhelmingly frustrating.
Of course, feelings can be logical. I love my family so I am happy when I see them. I don’t like rudeness so I get angry when I witness it.
I’m good with all that.
But I can’t help trying to make sense out of feelings that don’t have a logical flow and it drives me batty.
When a situation far removed from me makes me inexplicably sad.
Feeling the pain of another, maybe someone I’ve never met.
Being instantly attached to people even if I don’t know them well or they may end up hurting me.
I am a very emotional person. My heart is open and I feel intensely. You would think I would just accept whatever those feelings are, as they are. But instead I analyze them and try to make sense of what might never make sense.
A good portion of my anxiety stems from this disconnect between heart and head. Or maybe my anxiety is what forces me to over think that disconnect. Whichever is chicken or egg, it is an endless cycle.
It takes energy to over think and it takes energy to convince myself not to over think.
I appreciate my capacity to feel. My empathy and compassion are a big part of who I am.
But sometimes I do wish I could turn off my emotions or a least put them in a box to keep them in line.
Keep them from consuming me.
I’ve found that regular meditation does seem to help me release some of the angst I feel in my attempts to make love into something logical. It helps me let go of the paradox a bit and I desperately need that.
Because the heart has a mind of its own and will never follow the rules of logic.