Up until now

It hit me like a ton of bricks the day in early August that I realized how depressed I had become. I remember it well, it was actually frightening.

And each since day has been different. Each moment, really.

I’m fine. I’m not. I’m fine again.

I try to act fine. Try to hide the storm raging inside me.

But it is exhausting and I just can’t spend the energy to hide anymore.

I adjust my medication to help myself.

I find a therapist even though I’ve never really been a big fan of therapy. I always feel like I’m just hearing what I already know. But maybe having some 3rd party acknowledge what I already know is helpful. I am hoping this time I can also learn more coping skills and ways to know sooner that I’m getting depressed.

I have just begun to address the mess in my head and my heart and I really don’t yet know what I’m doing.

I wonder if deep down I knew much earlier that I would need help. Back in April I felt compelled to get a wrist tattoo, something that would be a constant reminder that things will be ok.

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I started finding more and more motivational and happy quotes to use as my phone wallpaper and post on social media.

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I don’t know if any of that was significant or merely coincidental but I hope to figure myself out more and be able to identify when I’m sinking.

I want to find out what really works for me to keep the demons at bay.

I want to be better. I want to be stronger.

 

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