Some Progress

Maybe there is something to this therapy thing after all.

I’m used to hearing about how negative I am about myself. I hold myself up to impossible standards that are different than those I have for others.

Others can fail and be supported and comforted. Not me.

Others don’t have be perfect. I do.

Others can focus on themselves. I can’t.

My therapist pointed out my negative belief system regarding myself and how I expect that I always make the perfect decision and do the most correct thing or I consider it a failure.

I talk about how I feel the need to control the outcome even when I logically know that I don’t have any control. I always feel like there is something I could have done better. Something I should have known to make a difference.

And then she pointed out that there are little ways to take back some control over a situation that I am overlooking.

It’s a subtle difference, absolute control over what will happen and foreseeing every possible outcome and being prepared for or influencing it vs a little bit of control over a piece that I can actually take some comfort in.

Basically focusing on a real decision I can make, however small, in a situation and recognizing that as a positive choice that I can control.

My therapist is big on breaking things down into smaller pieces to deal with and this is like breaking down a big monster I can’t control into a little piece that I can and then think positively about.

I must admit this has never come up in therapy before. Or maybe it has but I wasn’t in a position to hear or understand it.

I don’t know how much this little nuance will help me but I felt more hopeful after this conversation and I haven’t felt hopeful in months.

I am going to hold onto this and work with it and maybe make a little progress to get better.

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