A Love Hate Relationship

Since my migraines started over 20 years ago, I have been on so many medications I have completely lost count. I’m at the point where someone can name a medication and it is more often than not one that I have been on over the years.

Many medications for preventing migraines are used “off label” or basically because they were prescribed for one reason and over time it became known for migraine prevention as well.

I have been or more than my share of typical mental health related medications because the impact on serotonin and other neurotransmitters for migraine tends to coincide with the impact on mental health issues. And since I’ve also struggled with anxiety and depression for many years (and more so since having kids), the chance of killing two birds with one treatment is very appealing.

Alas, I am ridiculously sensitive to medications. Especially these classes of meds probably because my body has seen so many of them and it just responds with “are you kidding me?!?” whenever another enters my bloodstream.

When I do happen to find something that helps any of my issues, it is one I use for as long as it will hold out because using myself as a medication guinea pig to find a new one just plain sucks.

I was already on a medication for anxiety and depression when I hit my lowest low in early August. When I didn’t start to improve after I few weeks I felt I needed something more.

My doctor and I increased my dosage a bit and the hopelessness and sadness was a little better. But then I fell completely apart.

I was overwhelmed by everything. All the feelings were so magnified and I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I just couldn’t handle anything.

I thought I was just getting worse because of everything going on at the time. I got some upsetting news and I was stressed at work and just a lot of things. School had just started and things were just rough and changing all around me. All things that would typically hit me pretty hard so I just focused on putting one foot in front of the other.

I was broken. I still am very broken. I stopped caring about a lot of things. My chest is always knotted up. This has been me every day multiple times a day.

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It only occurred to me 2 days ago that maybe the medication adjustment is contributing to how much worse I am feeling. Thank goodness I had another appointment with my doctor today.

We decided to go back to my old dosage which, if history is to repeat itself, will no longer be as effective as it was before. This will in all likelihood leave me at least as bad off as I was 2 months ago but possibly worse.

What then? A second medication I have never heard of or taken before to the rescue to create a nice little cocktail that will hopefully level me out so I can focus on getting better.

What are the chances this will work out for me?

I hate battling with my heart and my mind and then adding a battle with the medications intended to help me. I’m always fighting.

Always.

Some battles I win, some I lose only to fight again another day.

 

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