Returning

As the latest medication changes start to affect my system, I am happy that the panic attacks and increased anxiety have improved. But the sadness is returning.

It should improve over time but I guess I have to go down again before up. The roller coaster I prefer to never ride.

Last Friday my MIL and I took the kids to a dairy farm to get ice cream, see the cows and feed the calves. We got there early and asked what we should do and were told when to head up to the calf barn.

We snacked and walked around and headed up to the right place at the right time but it was full of people. We hadn’t seen a ton of cars or anything so these folks must have dropped out of the sky and stood in front of every baby cow.

I realized we weren’t going to get to feed the calves and immediately started crying.

It was embarrassing and frustrating, a grown woman crying over not feeding calves.

I was disappointed, sure, but nothing I needed to cry over. We walked outside with the kids asking what’s wrong and me having to explain that my emotions were magnified but that I would be ok.

We headed back in after seeing the baby chicks and my MIL pointed out that many of the littler kids lined up wouldn’t be able to wrangle the calves and so we could still have a chance to feed them. She had said the same before we left the barn but I was too upset to listen.

So we pet all the calves we could, talked to them and it was fun and full of cow slobber.

And, of course, my MIL was right and the little kids couldn’t keep hold of the bottles (they were huge!) so we did get to take turns feeding the calves. I even made sure that a quiet couple next to us got a chance too, they weren’t as quick to jump in when someone was clearly about to give up and walk away.

So all in all we had a good time, did what we went there to do and even helped some others have a fun experience.

Nothing at all to be sad about, right?

I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to cry over what really isn’t the end of the world when I don’t even know what the outcome will be.

I don’t want to assume the worst scenario will play out and stop enjoying things because of worry nothing will work out.

It’s so tiring.

I just want to be like an excited baby cow getting its milk and assuming that the milk will never end and this is the best thing ever! Live in the moment like a baby cow!

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