In working with my therapist we have determined that we need to work on my self esteem. I can’t say I’m surprised, honestly I have struggled with my self esteem for as long as I can remember.
I wonder if most people think I’m pretty confident. But that’s not at all true. I can be confident in certain things typically having to do with work; something tangible. But I really don’t have any confidence in myself at all. I never have.
My therapist asked me to say three things that I like about myself. I froze because I had no idea what to say.
I said that I’m smart. I think that is a safe bet, I can figure stuff out for the most part. And certainly others seem to think I’m smart.
I said that I am kind. She agreed based on things I’ve talked about thus far I assume. Honestly I really do try to be kind. I want to help people, make them happy.
Then I got stuck. I simply could not think of anything else.
She suggested that I’m funny and I said “Oh yeah! I’m hilarious!”. I found it odd that I forgot to name the one thing that I love to do, make people laugh.
Then she asked me to name three “external” things I like about myself. As we have discussed in our sessions, I have been very unhappy with my body and appearance for years. So obviously I had some trouble with this one.
I said I have good hair. I’ve colored my hair since I was a teen and it is healthy and nice after all of that. I can pretty much do anything I want with it. And somehow it started having curls which I always wanted growing up.
I said I like my eyes. I’ve never really wore makeup but if I did it was eyeliner because it would highlight my eyes. It’s really the only feature I’ve ever tried to emphasize.
Then I was stumped. I had nothing for the third choice.
It’s clear I need to work on this. My self esteem has always been in the shitter and my confidence is really only based on what I could see affecting others.
Maybe after working on this I’ll end up with many more than three things.