Lately when people ask me how I am doing I can honestly answer “better”. I’ve even said “good”. I would not have said either of those a few weeks ago.
The only way I can describe how I am feeling now is that it is like night and day. So very different, the opposite of what I was feeling. I was dark and now I’m lighter.
I finally feel more like myself.
I was talking to my parents and explaining that the past few months have been so awful, so scary but I finally feel like I am back. It was like I was taken over by something I couldn’t quite get a handle on, something that made everything worse, made all my emotions magnified and made my mind lie to me.
I thought I was worthless. I thought I was not worthy of love or happiness or friendship or help. I thought I was a burden to everyone. I thought that no one really liked me, no one cared.
Getting help when I was not so sure that it would make a difference was difficult. I didn’t know if I was going to get better, if I would find myself again. If it was worth fighting because I was so defeated and so tired.
Now that I am thinking clearly and feeling more normal, hindsight has kicked in and I can see the past few months for what they were.
I was sick. My mind was sick. I did not have control of whether I was sick or not, it just happened. Like a cold or flu. And I had to rely on help from others … family, friends, professionals … to be able to get well.
I don’t feel totally well, like I’ve got that persistent cough that lingers on after you feel better. I still have to take care of myself and be extra gentle with myself for a while. I don’t want to be sick again.
But for now I focus on healing. Improving each day. I finally believe I am worth it.
I am rising from the ashes.