I can feel the anxiety in my chest.
I can feel the tears behind my eyes.
I can feel the monster standing near and chipping away at me. Pieces falling away slowly but, I fear, surely.
As I have been feeling better I haven’t really felt stable. I am still able to go from feeling great to tears in a blink. From fine to anxious in a breath.
The swings are not as wild and wide-ranging but they still seem to be there and I am terrified that I will break down completely again.
I had a panic attack the other day. I cried in the car over worries that don’t need to be worried about. It seems like I am starting to feel too much again.
I am afraid.
I am afraid that I won’t be able to handle another break down. Another ride on the scariest and hardest roller coaster I’ve ever been on.
What if it is worse? What if … so many what ifs.
But worrying about it could be a self fulfilling prophecy, right?
I am trying to stay positive and keep in mind that I’m stronger now from what I’ve been through. I can handle whatever happens.
I know I can. I think I can. I hope I can.
But I am afraid.