Is it the holidays?

They say that people tend to be more depressed during the holidays. I would have though that would be limited to maybe those who are away from family or unable to participate in the festivities for one reason or another.

But I guess the reality is it can be rough for anyone.

And maybe there isn’t a logical reason behind it that can be identified.

Is it more stressful? Finding gifts, going to family gathering, getting whatever it is ready when it needs to be. Maybe that is what’s behind it.

Is it sad? Missing loved ones or other disappointing scenarios.

The holidays in general for me are a happy time. I like seeing my extended family and having my college age kids around. I like exchanging gifts and seeing people appreciate what they get. I like that people tend to be a bit kinder and more accommodating this time year.

So why am I struggling more than a few weeks ago?

I am counting down until I can see my doctor to find out if maybe I need a medication adjustment because of all the breakthrough sadness and anxiety. I feel hurt all the time.

I hate feeling like this. It’s exhausting and feels so wasteful. I could be doing more, enjoying more, participating more.

But I have to forgive myself for not feeling well and for taking time and space as needed to deal with whatever thoughts and emotions are hitting me at the time.

Is there a lot to do? Yes. Are we behind on gifts, cleaning, decorating, everything? Yes.

Maybe it really is stress feeding my monster right now. I’m desperately meditating and doing breathing exercises and trying to clear my head. I feel pressured to make the stress go away which, of course, makes me more stressed.

Such a vicious cycle I always seem to be in. A delicate balance when things are going well that spirals into a cycle of suckiness too often.

I’ll get through. I keep telling myself I will be ok, just one step at a time. One day at a time.

Doing my best. It’s all I can do.

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